Don't Let Me Forget to Talk About my Bittenbinder. Argyle ISD COACH DICK DICKMAN.

Saddled with the baggage of a name that implies the probably whithered but swarthy Jafar-snake staff carrying I assume I dunnowhy ostensibly minor baggage? He had an office in the locker room where he could observe the girls dressing. And boys. And he did. And he walked around as if to make a quip about the obvious implied spontaneous combustion that would happen if you did and literally called me a cigarette because I didn’t know as an asthmatic the doublespeak for a cramp in your side meant ladies-are-gross. -BJG

To Baby J on the Mean Streets from Brother Rabbit

Who knew the reason John Mulaney carried a briefcase as a boy was because ever since then he's been rolling around with the entirety of Hunter Thompson's kit from Fear and Loathing including the adrenochrome. Do you know how tough it is to scare that many babies? Not when you're John Mulaney after half an ounce of booger sugar. He's still got it, gang. So the halo gets wobbly? Where's yalls? After that GQ “interview” he finally had the other ghosts he was talking to tell the headless horseman he was shuffling around the halls of the Bowery babbling about Bittenbinder with to scram. Couldn’t be happier for him. “NO seriously he was REAL. HIS NAME WAS BIT AND BIND HER and that’s what he taught all the children would happen to them! I swear!”

TICKLE ME ELMO BIT

Tickle Me Elmo came out I think in 8th grade for me. It was the year’s hottest gift and all the teenage girls had one. Tickle Me Elmo was the doll that went on to sell a billion Rabbit Vibrators. It was the sexual training wheels of Britney Spears fans in saddle shoes everywhere that Christmas. “OH BOY!” this Chinese-propaganda-lookin’ demonic crimson cyborg new-kid-on-the-block-ass muppet imp would exclaim breathlessly in a toddler’s voice performed by a child molester to these developing hormonal adolescent girls… and… well, you know the rest. “HE’S SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY HAIRBRUSH!” wrote Susan Johnson of Des Moins, Iowa in a note she passed to her friend Chandra B. in homeroom the morning after her new robotic awakening during an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Two days later she was going by “Suzie,” and all the boys were lining up at her locker trying to play Pacey. It was the 90s, I guess.

I don’t watch Sesame Street because I don’t have children and I’m not a creep but sometimes I think about how I miss Telly Monster on Sesame Street, because I remember and think it’s sad they put him out to pasture I suppose because his name stood for television, and I guess it became obvious television is bad for kids, but it’s what they’re watching, so you have to do something to ensure the termination of any rise in cognitive dissonance in a developing mind or the minds of their parents if you’re going to keep on making shows about weird psychedelic monsters acting like children to teach them to read or whatever it is they claim to do there. I shudder to think what his moth-chewed corpse must look like in the Muppet Graveyard, and you know there is one, and you know it must be one of the most haunted and viscerally unsettling places on Planet Earth. Just half a coffee-stained Big Bird that stinks like old meat with one eye barely hanging on by a wire and a broken jaw. A single dingy Kermit flipper with a cigarette burn. What’s left of a grizzled Ernie waiting to be stripped for spare parts of the rest of his former dignity. Where’s Telly, Bird? Where’s Telly? I guess it’s fine, since kids don’t watch television anymore, and there are no lessons to be learned about it.

-BJG

A response to John Mulaney's ASSEMBLY bit on KID GORGEOUS.

Assembly was my cue to leave. Dissemble. Time to disengage the crowd. I go the other way. Time to poke around the campus like it’s MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME and go through desk drawers to find out which of my teachers are drunks to blackmail them for hall passes. -BJG

PS: Mulaney listened to the Bittenbinders of the world telling him how children get killed so he was constantly afraid he would be murdered all the time throughout his childhood. I heard that shit too but I always assumed it would happen to someone like John instead of me so I figured I was fine. There’s no way I’m as big a victim as him, so we’re good. All the other children will be murdered first and then that’s my cue to be afraid. “At least I’ll be murdered last,” I thought.

PPS: The ability of “NYC” “comic” “from New Orleans” Mark Normand to incessantly walk through life day after day pretending immensely anyone cares about him is inspiring. That he sincerely thinks he matters and usually a lot to any human being he has ever or will ever interact with is astounding but there it is! Keep fakin’ it, kids, and maybe we can keep him from painting the ceiling without taking anybody else with him.

Finally, I just need to say I'm sorry that Vanessa Bayer, formerly of SNL, apparently had some sort of accident during childhood resulting in her face being permanently fixed in the expression “DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?” No, you don't, but you always look like you think you do. Which is great for comedy. You can currently catch Vanessa at the latest depressing gathering of fans of the comic strip Cathy. Ack.

A Special Thanks To The Puerto Rican Rattlesnake [If this one doesn't make sense that's OK; it shouldn't to anyone except Lu Gomez and Friends]

LOOK AT THAT? IS THAT FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY? BEN SCHWARTZ TOUCHING LORD SCOTRICK AND ALLEGED SEX-PEST RAJ WHO OWES ME A SHOT PER INSTA DM’S OF MAN TO BORE ME AGAIN FAME, FEATURING A DEMONIC EMERALD STONED GREMLIN THAT GETS OFF ON MAYHEM AND BETTER END HIS ARC FLOATING SHOOTING ELECTRICITY FROM HIS FINGERS MURDERING HIS CHOMO MENTOR WHILST WIELDING SPINNING DARKSABERS AND CLIFFORD THE BIG RED COMMUNIST DOG IS FUNNY? AND THAT ONE? WITH STOLEN SONIC MONEY FROM ANYONE WITH TALENT AND CHARISMA IN THREE DIMENSIONS like Marsden whom we dig and helped not make the movie suck when the Internet broke because they tried to ruin it? COMEDY? THEY ALL BANG BANG. Like when Paul F. Tompkins tried to casually groom Gillian Jacobs via bit in public. Like Chris Kattan said humping Katie Holmes was sexy, she just didn’t get it was so “erotic,” per HIS TERMS as MANGO. WHICH IS WHY YOU AND I AND SODER ETC. THANKFULLY AREN’T ON CBB ETC. TO HARASS AND EVISCERATE CALI SOFTGIRL SCOTTY 2 HOTTI. AN IRONY DEMON FROM THE NETHER-REALMS SUCKING HIPSTER PENISES LEFT AND RIGHT WHILST BEGGING TO BE PROPERLY COMEDICALLY MORTAL KOMBATTED BY REAL ASS DUDES THEN SOMEHOW BY PRETENDING TO KNOW WHAT A SOUL IS FOR 3 SECONDS NARROWLY AVOIDING BEING BIG-FINISHED LIKE SOME NERDY DOCTOR WHO-ASS AUDIOBOOKS. I don’t have much to say except I wish you wouldn’t say the n word so much but I love you anyways. YOU HUCKLEBURY@$$ WEIRDO. BIG UPS TO BJ. BABY JAMES RULES. -BJG AKA THE ULTIMATE ARTFUL DODGER. BITCHES. I DON’T GOTTA STEAL SHIT. Y’ALL GIVE IT UP AND I PROVIDE. It’s not my fault DOPES listened to LOS and thought JAY was the leader IN JORTS WITH A CHAIN WALLET CONNECTING NOTHING EXCEPT HIS FUPA AND STRETCHED ANUS and DAVE the dumbest of the three is the “smart guy” (are you secretly a black boy on UPN, Dave?) bc that’s how they portray themselves (Don’t fret, sweetie, I don’t assume gender especially with Leno chinned potential transsexual specimens. None of my business, Dave, except my brother thinks you’re a genius when the word is “SUPREMACIST.” 1234 SYLLABLES. WHAT? PEOPLE MARRY WHO THEY GET BLACKMAILED BY WHERE I COME FROM). PS: THE FIVE TYPES OF SPIES PER SUN TZU ARE WHAT? LIDDL? NOT LIKE ALICE IN UNDERPANTSLAND. FUCK CHOMOS. LOCAL INTERNAL DOUBLE DEAD AND LIVE. NO ONE CLOSER TO COMMANDER THAN WHO? KEEP THEM SAFE. LOVE TO BJ AND B. PEACE. WHY CAN’T THE COASTS GET ALONG? BECAUSE YOU DUMPED ME ON THE GULF.

I don't like smoking but it don't make sense you can't market cigs except as colors & generic terms that don't describe what you receive... or "menthol" AKA colors. Except LIGHTS like zap.

Nor does the drug law that says you can’t call a drug name anything related to what it does even if we don’t need a million COLDEAZE. My physician Dad used to say it every time a commercial for something like this new XELJANZ came on: “You know they changed the law so the drugs have to be random names having nothing to do with what they do! It’s so great!”

"IT'S A FEATURE NOT A BUG BUT HE DOES THAT ME AND HIS NAME IS JOE. CLOWNSHOES. CHILL, YALL. WHAT HE DOES TO A ROOM." -LOVE FROM BATMAN TO ARNIE AND ROBIN FOREVER

Yes, Chris. I’m making a List of reasons why Joe shouldn’t be allowed near acid. Please don’t tune in, turn on, and drop out to the SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL as last time? -BEN PS: Good thing we already SAW this one. Let’s pray he doesn’t SPIRAL out with SHAME to make three movie references that are right up his crime alley. Which is what Sarah calls it while she pegs him while he changes diapers. Goddammit I LOVE YOU CONAN YOU MISERABLE BITCH! GODDAMMIT COLIN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT’S YUCK. YOU SUCK. I HATE YOUR WHITE CLOTHES ON THE PICTURE OF YOU SOMEONE MADE FOR YOUR BOOK. I HATE IT. YOU LOOK LIKE A FRIENDLY KLANSMAN ON PURPOSE AND I HATE IT.

FOR BILL HADER AND JOHN MULANEY: JEFON'S LATEST HOTTEST CLUB ALERT

New Orleans hottest club is GYNOSORE. This club for naughty olds has it all. 17 different Jinkerbells (those are Jewish Tinkerbells). They all wear yarmulkes like boys but are they? You might find out at GYNOSORE. Featuring: Warring factions of midgets with six packs reenacting the Civil War dressed as the kids from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. A fabulous chinchilla burlesque Queen who has undergone facial reconstruction to resemble the Mona Lisa. Human pudding (Don’t ask me to explain it. It’s not what you think it is. Or maybe it is). Asian doctors in go-go boots wearing Zorro masks and Mickey Mouse ears dancing the can-can featuring Ken Jeong! Heavyset mermaid junkies snorkeling in a gravy pool. And a transgender giraffe who used to go by Geoffrey! All at New Orleans’ hottest NEW CLUB! GYNOSORE! —“COUSIN” JEFON.

EXCLUSIVE: Senate Staffer Caught Filming Gay Sex Tape In Senate Hearing Room (GRAPHIC) [WTF. HOW DARE Y'ALL. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN? SO SAD. -BJG] →

-DAILY CALLER

I wish there weren’t so many people with 80 years of bad history who might want to go out with a bang in a Giuliani style implosion fancying themselves renegades when some of them are rapists or worse bc of all of the horrible things they’ve been doing the past 80 years. Getting beyond the Boomer generation will be a difficult ride but we can make it and ease the pain of the country with regard to the more selfish components that seem to want to double down on insanity and instability and “prophecy” and “destiny” and “revolution” over and over again. With love to our ELDERS. There is a difference here betweeen BOOMERS and ELDERS. THANK YOU ELDERS. HAPPY HOLIDAYS. -BJG